I keep saying that the bastids tried to kill me.
I mean the hospital that totally screwed up my right leg with their complete incompetence. Deep vein thrombosis, (they called it "extensive" and "massive") with a side order of Pseudo aneurism.
Going in for an angiogram? Be very careful, they can be life threatening if done wrong. They don't say that in the hospital, they warn that it may just cause some bad bruising. They never said that I would be in and out of hospital for months, need surgery to fix their fuckup, the pain....etc.
They won't even admit they fucked up. They just all nod and talk about possible complications. CYA.
It's been a long long road here, but I am finally working a few days a week and functioning almost normally. I cant lift yet, it makes it hurt near my surgery scar. Think that will go on for a while. My leg feels itchy, inside. It's bizarre. No way to scratch it.
The thing is, this has all had further reaching complications that I never ever dreamed of. You cannot live on the edge for so many months with no repercussions I guess.
I spent a long time asking; Will I wake up with chest pains because one of the clots moved? Will I wake up at all? And the sometimes dark idea that maybe that not waking up wouldn't be such a bad thing?
My family and my marriage are still reeling from the whole ordeal, and that will be ongoing. This is actually the worst part? It's not physical, it's a toxic residue made up of despair, grief, guilt and- distance. It covers everything, I have no idea how to remove it. The priority shift; away from each other, has given me mental whiplash and I have no idea how to change that back either.
The financial repercussions? Let's say that we are now far further in debt, and it's like swimming in a bowl of oatmeal at times.
They tried to kill me, I will tell people jokingly.
But they killed enough of the life, and the security I knew that it is essentially the same thing sometimes.
I want to hold a party, A pale is not dead yet party!
Yup. Still here. Hanging in there.
Following the latest Harper scandal, and the Ford crack cocaine circus.
It's just too hard to sit and write about this stuff ATM.